confused, tired, and sad...

So today I was applying for jobs online via snagajob.com and out of the 450 jobs in Vegas that popped up, I started realizing that 80% of them I have applied too already!?!? WTF WORLD?!? What the hell is going on, and why can't I find a frigging stupid ass job?? I'm tired of holding back, I'm tired of being optimistic, I have gone to the point of freak out that I am NEVER leaving Vegas!!!!

Maybe this is what I get...You know, I'm the whole reason why this happened. I never said anything cause I knew people would be super pissed and judgemental, but yes, It's because of me and my flaky personality that we as a family are in this mess.

Here's what happened: I was actually doing great at walmart. Bosses loved me, had friend's, was a very fast worker and had no real big issues going  on at all. The only problem I had...was me.I hated my crappy job. I have never liked doing retail, Lord knows why I do it, maybe because a monkey can do it? *Sigh* I don't know.Anyway, long story short I let my ego grow stronger then my love and respect for my family, and I pulled a classic Lara and called in three days too many. Giving them no choice, since I was in my probational period and they fired me. So, all of the terrible shit that has happened to my family is all because of me. I have no one else to blame but myself. So now I sit here, no apartment, no Clayton, and no money, all because of my selfishness. To be honest, Clayton and I have had issues in the past and I'm surprised this wasn't the last straw. He has every good reason to divorce me, but yet, he hasn't....I guess that's what true love is....is forgiving someone over, and over, and over again, in hopes of them changing.

I don't deserve such a wonderful man, hell I don't deserve such a wonderful family that I have. And now Clayton is working in a crappy ass job, miserable that he can't see his kids, and it's all because of me........

my hubby's leaving on a jet plane...

So, clayton just left for the airport with wayne, about 18 minutes ago...i wanted to take him, but, crying and driving are a little too dangerous for my taste.Three long months are now what I have to look forward too until I can see him again, Hopefully the job in Ohio works out and I can find a job on my end that can transfer to Ohio as well. It's weird, but, ever since we started dating six years ago, we have never been this far apart for so long...it's an empty feeling, my poor air mattress will be hard to sleep on without him. I know it's all for a good cause, but, I sit here and wonder about all my life's choices, and wonder, how did it get to this? I know many people are in the same unemployment boat as we are, but, I still feel like a big loser that I can't hold down a simple ass job.Thank god for clayton being the constant one in our family's life. Ever since the day in college I told him I was pregnant with Hazel, he has stepped up and been an amazing Husband, Father to my children, and wonderful provider. I'm seriously so lucky to end up with such an amazing husband.Any weaker man would have left me, due to my being a flake at times, but, not clayton. And yes, I have realized the hard way what a flake I can be. It is one of my biggest flaws that I'm hoping to be rid of soon.....