The God I know......

I'm at the point in my life where I'm pretty much done with the b.s.in this world. I have been a christian for as long as I can remember and I am sick and tired of people using God's name for hypocritical and selfish reasons, the God I know would never do that. The God I know is kind, but calls you on your bull. the God I know loves us all just as we are, no strings attached, pure love.The God I know picks us up and brushes us off when we are down. The God I know doesn't judge me by age, race, sex or preference, to God, I am the child, and there is nothing but unconditional love for his creation. The God I know created all the wonderful people and things in this world, sometimes it truly humbles me to look my children in the eyes and realize I am blessed to be their mother. The God I know does not hate, only loves, and anybody else thinks differently makes me sad. I love that God will always be there for me, no matter happens in this world, he is there. He loves me, he loves all of us, God is truly that simple and truly that amazing.


----Lara B.:)

Have Children Made Me Soft?

I had a good friend of mine a couple of nights ago tell me that children have made me "soft". She wasn't saying it was a bad thing mind you, I just seemed more relaxed and laid back then I used to be. I Still have the spark and crazyness that I once had, It's just more reserved now. I started thinking about the last five years and trying to pinpoint the exact moment my crazyass finally calmed down. The one conclusion I came to was such an obvious choice, I can't believe I didn 't think of it sooner ! The day I calmed down, was the day I met Clayton.

I remember the day we met (technically) was at a toga party at one of the actor's houses in college. The only interaction we had that night was when he took a picture of us, in all our hot toga glory! He says the first time we REALLY met was at another house party months before that one. He says we talked a bit, but not much happened after that. My memories terrible, But I don't remember that night, so I say that the toga party was when we finally met.:) After the toga party the next interaction we had was when we did the show "light up the sky" together when we did summer theatre.I was on wardrobe crew in charge of the guys and because of that we talked once and awhile, but, when the show moved to solvang is when we really started talking more on a daily basis. We talked about movies, music, art, books, you name it, we talked about it.Then one day everything changed for me. We were waiting for the actors to show and so I had some downtime until they got there. Well, I was primping my hair, fixing makeup and making sure I looked super cute, you know the usual girl stuff. But, I usually don't give a rats ass about what I look like....holy crap...I had a crush on Clayton!! (dun dun duuunnnn)
That was the day that changed everything! And the rest as they say is history.

So yes, Life has made me softer, and I'm not nearly as crazy as I once was...and I wouldn't have it any other way.:)

confused, tired, and sad...

So today I was applying for jobs online via snagajob.com and out of the 450 jobs in Vegas that popped up, I started realizing that 80% of them I have applied too already!?!? WTF WORLD?!? What the hell is going on, and why can't I find a frigging stupid ass job?? I'm tired of holding back, I'm tired of being optimistic, I have gone to the point of freak out that I am NEVER leaving Vegas!!!!

Maybe this is what I get...You know, I'm the whole reason why this happened. I never said anything cause I knew people would be super pissed and judgemental, but yes, It's because of me and my flaky personality that we as a family are in this mess.

Here's what happened: I was actually doing great at walmart. Bosses loved me, had friend's, was a very fast worker and had no real big issues going  on at all. The only problem I had...was me.I hated my crappy job. I have never liked doing retail, Lord knows why I do it, maybe because a monkey can do it? *Sigh* I don't know.Anyway, long story short I let my ego grow stronger then my love and respect for my family, and I pulled a classic Lara and called in three days too many. Giving them no choice, since I was in my probational period and they fired me. So, all of the terrible shit that has happened to my family is all because of me. I have no one else to blame but myself. So now I sit here, no apartment, no Clayton, and no money, all because of my selfishness. To be honest, Clayton and I have had issues in the past and I'm surprised this wasn't the last straw. He has every good reason to divorce me, but yet, he hasn't....I guess that's what true love is....is forgiving someone over, and over, and over again, in hopes of them changing.

I don't deserve such a wonderful man, hell I don't deserve such a wonderful family that I have. And now Clayton is working in a crappy ass job, miserable that he can't see his kids, and it's all because of me........

Has It been three months already??

In light of my extreme stress and walking the eggshells called life, i've decided to talk about the thing's i'm grateful for, versus losing energy on thing's i'm not.Plus, I didn't realize that blogspot via phone breaks up every sentence into it's own blog (which is annoying..sorry guys) so i'm trying again! So, here goes:

1. I'm Grateful for Clayton, My husband. He is my rock, and without him I would be a total basketcase...okay, maybe more then I am now. (haha) We've had our moments,but what couple doesn't? I know he's the one just by the way he looks at me, the way I get goosbumps everytime he holds my hand, and just in the little things he does for me on a daily basis. That's the stuff that matters, that's love.

2.My beautiful munchkins: Hazel, Zane, and Eric: They are the most amazing, smart, funny human beings I have ever known! I may be slightly bias (I am their mom after all.) But, everytime I look in their eyes i feel home. They have shown me what true love can really be. It's a different love then a couple, but, just as important. They are my saving grace.:)

3.My Family and Friends. You all know who you are!!! I love love love you all (old friend's, and new) and would be lost without you guys! I am so lucky to have such an amazing family and family-inlaw, They have always welcomed me with open arms and never let me feel alone, My family family know's how cool they are, so, i don't need to go there, but I love them thiiiiiiiissss much!!! hahaha

Thank you who have come into my life in all it's awkward stages, i don't know who I would be without you!:)

my hubby's leaving on a jet plane...

So, clayton just left for the airport with wayne, about 18 minutes ago...i wanted to take him, but, crying and driving are a little too dangerous for my taste.Three long months are now what I have to look forward too until I can see him again, Hopefully the job in Ohio works out and I can find a job on my end that can transfer to Ohio as well. It's weird, but, ever since we started dating six years ago, we have never been this far apart for so long...it's an empty feeling, my poor air mattress will be hard to sleep on without him. I know it's all for a good cause, but, I sit here and wonder about all my life's choices, and wonder, how did it get to this? I know many people are in the same unemployment boat as we are, but, I still feel like a big loser that I can't hold down a simple ass job.Thank god for clayton being the constant one in our family's life. Ever since the day in college I told him I was pregnant with Hazel, he has stepped up and been an amazing Husband, Father to my children, and wonderful provider. I'm seriously so lucky to end up with such an amazing husband.Any weaker man would have left me, due to my being a flake at times, but, not clayton. And yes, I have realized the hard way what a flake I can be. It is one of my biggest flaws that I'm hoping to be rid of soon.....

check out my moms artwork! http://www.givingtreeground.com/

Im starting to really like phoenix. It has culture, family activites and has more state parks then i can count (Haha). Its going to be harder to leave in august for claytons schooling in vegas. I like the laid back, tourist free atmosphere of glendale (where i live). Its nice that im by phoenix, tempe, peoria, mesa, and scottsdale and still feel like a bit of an island. Everyday feels like a new adventure! Now, if only i could get a job....sigh...